| || |
| || |
These were originally posted on alt.fan.furry in April 2000.
You know it's going to be a bad con when...
By: Terry Whittier
...the last progress report's return address is a federal prison.
...the last progress report's statement from the con treasurer consisted
simply of "the weather and the casinos are great here in Monaco! Hope you
have a good con."
...as you pull up to the hotel, you see a banner "Welcome Furry Fans, Hare
Krishnas, Southern Baptists, and Union of Angry Postal Workers Weapons Show
And Bowie Knife Expo"
...you pull into the parking lot just as the last of 5,000 Hell's Angels and
six fire engines are pulling out.
...you pull up to the hotel and see a sign that reads "please excuse our
hotel renovations" and then you notice that crane with a huge wrecking ball.
...you see the B.O. squad's bus in the parking lot...one second before you
...you walk up to the hotel entrance and you're stopped by both an ATF and
an FBI agent, asking if you know anything about a "Furry Convention"
supposedly going on this weekend.
...you approach the hotel check-in and the clerk is dressed as a bandito and
he says "we don't need no steenking reservations!"
...there is "police line" tape around the hotel pool and a little sign
saying it's listed with the EPA as a Superfund Cleanup Site.
...the bellboy is a hunchback, has one eye in the middle of his forehead
and answers to "Igor."
...convention registration is a guy sitting in the lobby holding a clipboard
in one hand and his wallet in the other.
...at registration, you ask for a copy of the program book, and the clerk
reaches back, tears a single sheet off the roll and hands it to you.
...your con badge shows your given name, your a.k.a., your nutritional
information and your next of kin.
...the hotel's coffee shop has buzzards circling over it.
...the con mascot's fursuit consists of a paper bag with two holes cut out
...the dealer's room conveniently doubles as a restroom...probably because
it IS a restroom.
...when you ask for help finding the art show, you are given a map, survival
rations, galoshes and a flashlight.
...the fursuit dance's theme is "Predator Versus Prey -- Let the Carnage
...just before the fursuit dance is scheduled to begin, five ambulances pull
up to the curb.
...upon entering the art show, you hand over your bag to the bag check
person, and as you walk away, you hear someone behind you say "ooh, now
let's see what's in THIS one!"
There's a couple gentlemen selling used stereo equipment in the parking lot
... and some of the cars are missing windows!
The indoor restrooms have coin slots.
You realize that your wallet did not retain its perch on the top of your
car, 100 miles and 3 hours or so ago.
The hotel doors don't really "lock" all the way.
Saturday is officially "Naked Day," and nobody told you.
...there is a dress code at the lobby door, and it starts with dress shirts and
goes up from there.
....the person behind the reservation desk informs you that your "room" has
been taken by someone with lots of money, and the hotel has arranged you to
stay at the local No-Tell Motel...at the other end of town.
By: R Greg Older
...a pair of Klingons take you in for questioning (Duckcon '99)
The Con is being held at the Bates Motel...
When you're bringing the kids and the Guests of honor are Jim Groat and
Barney the Purple Dinosaur
...in the same room...
By: M Panthera Uncia
When the consweet, actualy has the nerve to charge for generic sodas, and all
they have to munch on are six month old stale chips.
When you realize that pattern in the bathroom is not wallpaper, but mildew.
The lobby of the hotel smells of sewage, from the broken pipes. Due to ongoing
When the hotel consists of a jumble of buildings laid out in no sensable
manner, and you need a map to find the events.
The only food other than the hotel that's walkable is a Chinese restaurant with a
bad Board of Health rating and a electronics ship with a snack bar....
By: Kathryn Shapero
When you get flooded out by the folks upstairs doing things to the sprinkler
system it was never meant to handle... (True story - didn't happen to me
but ask the folks who went to Disclave a couple years back... The relevant
filksongs hit the net before the con reports!)
By: Allen Kitchen
... When the legal staff for Disney happens to show up for a little
get-together of their own, in the same hotel.
... When the hotel asks if you want a Vermin or non-Vermin room.
... When there are railroad tracks running between the two main buildings
of the hotel...
...... and cattlecars go by on those tracks, leaving their
trademark scent behind...
...... every thirty minutes, day and night.
... When the artshow has to close at 6, so the exterminators can fumigate
... When after a day, you decide that attendance is terrible; then suddenly
realize that you are in the wrong hotel...
...... in the wrong city...
...... and hotel security is walking toward you...
...... frowning at your tail.
... When the corporate sponsor is Right Guard.
... When the local restaurant serves a rare specialty: Rat Sushi.
... When the puppetshow begins, and everyone on stage pulls off his socks.
... When noted bigwigs throw chairs at you (true story)
You check in and the person at the front desk informs you that both the water
and the AC is out in the hotel.
You going through airport security and you get asked to please step into a
little white room, then you hear the *snap*..
The hotel restaurant has bio hazard signs around the kitchen
You call room service and get the local Taco Bell.
The driving directions include the phrase, turn off the paved road.
You discover that you accidentally packed Nair instead of your hair gel.
You discover that you accidentally packed Nair instead of your hair gel 10
minutes after you have used it.
The con hotel has a name like Billy's Motor Inn.
You discover that the person you are sharing a room with has an aversion to
nudity so strong that s/he will not get undressed to take a shower.
The registration line includes a pat down search.
The local NRA branch is in charge of con security.
Your hotel room has a dead body in it.
By: Ben Bruin
-The word "greyhound" appears anywhere in your travel arrangements.
-The question "how much will it cost?" is answered "how much you got ?"
-You tell your roommate that you want to use the shower first. They
look at you blankly and say "shower?"
-You recieve an email from a fellow con-goer about the horrendous
outbreak of "con crud" that is dropping congoers like flies....
-You recieve said email shortly AFTER you arrive.....
-The sign out front says "Happiness Hotel."
-There are chalk outlines on the sidewalks in the neighborhood---
surrounded by furry 'zines, ripped sketchbook pages, and tufts of
plushie and fursuit fur.....
-you discover your roommate, who is a 500 lb, balding man , has a
wardrobe consisting entirely of spandex....
-which is the official uniform of every con-goer over 300 lbs. for the
-the hotel brochure includes a floorplan with the fastest escape routes
out of the building.
-the con admissions table hands out penicillin.
-the 'con mascot is the Outbreak monkey.
-You run into your mother, your boss, your minister/priest/rabbi, your
present girlfriend, your radical feminist EX-girlfriend, a vice-squad
cop looking for a bust, three drunk whitetrash rednecks looking to
"kick some pre-vert freak A$$," and the greasy fanboy who's spent the
entire con following you around and insisting that you're his "online
lover"---- all at the same time----
right outside the entrance to the Adult Art room.
By: Terry Knight
Your plane arrives at LAX with five other 747s. and there's only three
immigration desks open.
You find the immigration officials looking suspiciously at your
Your plushie is given a full-cavity search by customs.
You find your English accent is incompatible with the one the taxi
driver is using.
-you're told your room has been commondered for the fursuit dance
-you're told your room has been commondered for the con suit
-... the dealer's room
-... investigations by the police
-you're stoped at customs because of your suspicious Canadian accent
-the customs officier thinks Star Trek is of the Devil, and it just goes
down hill from there
-you spend day one and two of your trip either in an aiport lounge or at
customs, or both
-you find out your reservation number relates to stairs, not to rooms.
You're stair number 142
-The most common heard phrase is 'It looked bigger in the brocure'
-You complement someone on their fursuit, only to discover they're not
-Your mom thought it would be nice to join you
-The con is being held in an abandoned warehouse on the edge of town
-you have to clear out of the warehouse at 10 for the rave that's going
on later that night
-Con entertainment involves paying to rent the paddleball.
-The con charity is 'Bob'
-The con guests of honor are also the charities and the con heads
-The con guest of honour was drugged and stolen from another con
-The con guest of honour was left over from last weekend's con, and
found drunk and passed out in your closet
-The video room is a cardboard box with a TV drawn on it, and two
-The entertainment is listed as 'Filk, Filk and more Filk'
-The subtitle under that is 'If we can get Uncle Kagie drunk enough'
-Those NRA blokes from one of the other posts are looking at the
masquerade contest posters and testing their rifles
It's Spring, and your fursuit thinks it's shedding season.
Your fursuit gets invited to the dance, but you don't.
The elevators quit just before you can get the 6 suitcases on board.
And your room is on the top floor, at the end of the hall.
You just got to the top floor by the stairs, with the 6 suitcases, and
you discover that your key doesn't work.
You have the room that sits between the elevators and the ice maker they
dubbed "El Diablo"
The shower and the air conditioning in your room are both stuck on the
same setting: COLD.
You have that classy buzzing neon sign hanging outside your window.
There's a funny tent over the hotel, and they are passing out gas masks
at the front desk.
There are more "critters" staying in your room than expected.
You only discover them after you turn on the light.
The 50+ crows on your balcony are quietly watching your every move.
Your room has a great view of the swimming pool, and the maximum
security prison across the alley.
Due to a luggage mix-up, your hall costume becomes a pink bunny with
blue bird wings and a horse's head.( I bet it takes you a while to
dispell the thought of that image )
Due to a luggage mix-up, your entire wardrobe for the weekend becomes
the pink bunny.
You hear the people in the next room are trying to bring new meaning to
that line in the song that goes: "I want to F*** you like an animal. "
There's a blood stain on the carpet in your room that wasn't there last
You discover The most popular thing showing in the video room is
something that went on in your room last night.
The police stop you and seriously ask: "Who killed Cock Robin?"
The elevator you're riding stops between floors, and in the dark,
someone says: "I guess 5 bean burritos for lunch was a bad idea."
...the Saturday Night Spagetti Feed looks more like something out of the
dinner scene from "Indiana Jones"
... You call downstairs to complain that the "Vibra-Bed" won't stop
running it's magic fingers up and down the mattress, and they say "WHAT Vibra-Bed?"
... The floor of your bathroom STILL has the chalk outline on it.
You know it's going to be a bad con when...
....your room-share is... BONDAGE BOB!!!
> One quick way is this attached gag article a friend once did
> with a photo of him (he was one of the sad artist victim's of "Bob"'s
> forays into getting "Bawwwwndaje!" art.
> A few tales of woe (thanks to Bob) is the way he asks for artwork in a
> volume level just higher than normal, so that people several tables down
> will know what he asked the artist to draw. He's also asked big-time
> artists for bondage art.
> IMO, I have no prob with bondo art of a furry or anime vein (Hell, the more
> the better I say). It's just that "Bob" makes it all
> creepy-crawly in the way he asks for it.
Names have been removed to protect the innocent -Colm
Well, just having gotten back from the MFF a few weeks ago, I can
clearly say that I'll miss the Military. The first two MidWest
FurFests were held at the Sheraton Arlington Park-a dn quite frankly,
we've just grown to big for a hotel that is continuously triple-booked
But, I think there's a few offerings for the Con joke lists-
It's a bad con when...
... you get lost in Chi-Town and manage to hit *every* single Toll booth-
--coming and going--
--and run out of change--
---coming AND going.
... you realize that you shouldn't have maxed out your cards on school
supplies *before* checking in.
... you get pulled over on the highway driving 90+--
--and the officer notices that you're driving down your
18-year-old *female* friend--
-- so he changes the charges from Speeding to "Transporting Young
Girls Across State Lines for Immoral Purposes"--
---and *then* he wants to check out the trunk---
----Long story short? There's an upcoming episode of Highway Patrol
that features real life footage of a squad cars hood covered in
fursuit and sex toys.... big, bulging puppy eyes, staring back at the
camera as Officer Granger pulls the fifth vibrator out of your
Of course, it really is a joy to share hotel space with the US
Military, and here's why.
... extra day-ticket sales are always good.
... now, really, what's sillier looking? Those striped ears or that
... spit-polished boots are good for perving up Sailor Moon skirts.
... dress uniforms, girthy fanboys and fursuiters make for one
extremely overheated elevator!
... post dance, the military revises the slogan to "Don't Ask, Don't
... after Tiajuana Donkey-Shows and Bangkok's Flying Banana Stunt-
more than a few GIs are interested in what two fursuiters going at it
actually *looks like*.
-and most importantly-
-Babs Bunny can ConFurt Colonels!!
You know it's going to be a bad con when...
-You ask for the key to your room, and they hand you an expired phone card.
-The eyes on the bad painting on the wall are following your every move.
-You wake up to the sound of some idiot in a Chevelle doing donuts in the parking lot.
-There's blood in the tile grout in the bathroom. If it's in the Chealse hotel in NYC, take a photo.
-There's a bum sleeping in the other bed when you wake up. And he wasn't there before.
-You find a dead, bloated, mealworm-covered rat between the mattresses.
-The con is just a room full of old, fat, rich white conservative guys passing more laws to further corrode the remaining shreds of our freedom.
-Or, you arrive, and there's a bunch of guys with spiked hair and leather jackets destroying the entire building. Better this than the last one, I say.
| || |
Best viewed 800x600 or higher in IE 4 or higher
| || |
All webpages are property of Colm McSky and may not be distributed without permission. All content (jokes, etc) is property of its author and cannot be distributed without permission.