What am I? | The Other Side | What am I? (II) | Lab Rabbit | Camels | King of the Jungle? | True Story of Team Fortress | Vampire Bat | The Fisherman | The Duck | The WolfMan | The Christian Bear | The Dog, The Monkey, and The Lion

Miavir's Humor stories | Plonq's Hilarious stories

What Am I? -Anonymous

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!"

(And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.)

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls...

You must be a lawyer."

The Other Side -Anonymous

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?"

"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

What am I? II -Anonymous
One day a very young polar bear was sitting on an ice drift, watching his father trying to catch fish, when he asked,
"Dad, am I a full-blooded polar bear?"
His father replied, "Sure son, you're full blooded."
The young bear asked, "Are you positive that I'm 100% polar bear, Dad?"
"Yes, son, I'm sure. Your mother's a polar bear, I'm a polar bear..."
"But Dad, are you sure there's not a little brown bear in me?"
"Yes son, I'm sure."
"Are you really sure, Dad, that there's not just a little black bear in me?"
"Yes, son, you're all polar bear."
"Maybe just a little grizzly bear in me, Dad?"
"No way, son, no way," replied the papa bear. "Why are you asking these questions?"
The little polar bear replied, "Because, Dad, I'm freezing my ASS off out here!"

Lab Rabbit -Anonymous
One day, this rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge, and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he
asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them.

"So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry," he replied sadly, "I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Camels -Anonymous
The little camel went to his mother and asked, "Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes?"

She looked on him lovingly and replied, "You see, my son, when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to
blowing and there's sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on one another so that we don't get lost."

"Oh!" he said. "And why do we have such huge feet?

"Well," she said, "they allow us to walk easily in the dessert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes."

"Wow," he said, "great equipment. What the heck is this stuff on our backs for?"

"You see," his mother informed, "we can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times. But why do you ask me all these obvious questions?"

"Well, mother," said the young camel, "I was just wondering, if we've got all of this great stuff, what hell are we doing in the zoo!"

King of the jungle? -Anonymous

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified deer stammered, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree half a dozen times, stomped on him until he looks like a corn tortilla, crapped on him, and ambled away.

The battered lion hollered after the elephant, "Sheesh, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset."

True story of Team Fortress - By Colm

I was looking for a TFC server, and i saw one called 'yiffy foxies' so, of course, i joined. There were about five other people on, four of which had furry names (the other was 'mikey') I chatted for a few minutes, then the server crashed. I tried to rejoin later, but it was full. 16 players! about an hour later i was finally able to rejoin only to find that the furs had left and only the furry administrator (Unition T. Otter) remained. I chatted for a few more minutes, then had to leave again. arg! well, it's still on my favorites list!

Vampire Bat -Anonymous

A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

The Fisherman -Anonymous

A fisherman wrote to a fishing lodge in the resort area of Idaho to ask if his dog would be allowed to stay there. He received the following answer:

"Dear Sir - I have been in the lodge business for over twenty-five years. Never yet have I had to call in the police to eject a disorderly dog in the wee hours of the morning. No dog has ever attempted to pass off a bad check on me. Never has a dog set bedclothes on fire through smoking. I have never found a lodge towel in a dog's suitcase. Your dog is welcome.

P.S. If he will vouch for you, you can come too."

The Duck -Anonymous

A duck walks into a shop.

Duck-Do you have any duck feed?
Shopkeeper- No, we don't sell that.

Duck leaves.

Next day, the same duck walks into the same shop.

Duck-Do you have any duck feed?
Shopkeeper- No, I said yesterday we don't sell that!

Duck leaves.

Next day, once again, duck walks into the same shop.

Duck-Do you have any duck feed?
Shopkeeper- NO, WE DON'T SELL IT HERE! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

Duck leaves.

And again, next day the exact same duck comes back to the shop.

Duck: Do you have any duck feed?
Shopkeeper: Look, if you ask that again once more I swear I'll nail your frigging webbed feet to the floor!!!!

Duck leaves.

Next day, duck, shop.

Duck: Do you have any nails?
Shopkeeper: *sigh!* No!
Duck: Fine! Do you have any duck feed???

The WolfMan -Anonymous

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

The Christian Bear -submitted by Scrimno Longbow

A grizzly bear was chasing this guy down in the forest. Seeing that it was hopeless, the guy dropped to his knees and started praying: "Oh God, please let this bear be a Christian!" Then when the bear was almost upon the guy, it stopped in its tracks and dropped to the ground praying: "Dear God, thank you for this meal I am about to receive."

The Dog, The Monkey, and The Lion -submitted by Roland Bloodthunder

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Ok no! I'm in deep doodoo now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Wow, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine sunnuvabitch."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... ... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that damn monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"